Psychological Habits that Feel Helpful but Aren’t
NOTE: If you’d rather listen than read, get the audio here.
“I’m not a fan of baths,” she said, as I stared at her, slack-jawed.
As someone who positively loves reading in the bathtub, her statement just didn’t compute.
But my friend Barb is a smart and thoughtful woman, so I heard her out.
She went on to explain that bathing is like stewing in your own filth, and, as I thought about it, I realized she’s not wrong.
If I put my dirty body into a dirty bathtub and fill it with water, I am pretty much just marinating in my own juices.
While it may feel oh-so-good in the moment, if my goal is to get clean, sitting in grimy water probably isn’t going to get the job done.
I’m not giving up baths by any means, but it did get me thinking about other ways we stew in our own filth.
There are so many things our minds do that feel good (or natural or necessary) in the moment but are actually at odds with our best interests.
Potentially Filthy Mental Habits
Daydreaming can be an innocuous form of entertainment—imagining yourself in the arms of, say, George Clooney circa 2012 or brunching with Oprah.
Maybe your daydreaming consists of letting your mind wander, allowing it to meander over any mental terrain it wants… and opening the door for creativity in the process.
Awesome. I’m all for it.
But maybe your daydreaming functions as an escape, a distraction from the real world or what you need to be doing right now. That, my friend, isn’t so helpful.
Similarly, planning can be what separates a successful endeavor from a failed one. Especially if you’re juggling a lot of moving parts, taking the time to think through, organize, and strategize may pay dividends.
But what about planning for every possible outcome?
I get it. It gives you the illusion of control.
If you just plan for every eventuality, then nothing bad will happen. You’ll be prepared. You won’t be caught off guard. And, ultimately, you won’t get hurt.
Tempting… but inaccurate.
We all know that things rarely go according to plan, and the truth is that the more you engage in worry-fueled, unproductive planning, the more you’re going to worry.
It’s like scratching a mosquito bite: Feels like the right thing to do, but it perpetuates the problem.
Analyzing is another one of those habits that can hinder more than help if we’re not careful.
One of the remarkable aspects of our minds is their capacity to examine things from many angles, helping us understand how things work and see the big picture.
This is useful when we want to grasp the implications and use them to inform our decisions. Not so much when we end up overanalyzing, repeatedly going in mental circles looking for definitive answers that don’t exist.
Which brings us to imaginary conversations… and don’t act like I’m the only one who has them.
Sure, scripting out and mentally rehearsing your main points may help you get your brave up enough to actually say the thing, or it may legitimately help you improve the clarity of your communication.
Too often, though, we imagine these conversations ad nauseam because we’re trying to alleviate anxiety, right a perceived wrong, or say something we want to say without actually having to endure the interpersonal discomfort of saying it.
Besides, real-world conversations rarely go according to script. It’s as if the other person didn’t memorize their lines, and our dedicated rehearsals go out the window, a total waste of time.
All of these mental activities can serve us, but they backfire when we let them move past their utility or mistake their purpose, just like with bathing.
In contrast, sometimes we end up in a hot tub situation.
When What Feels Good Now Hurts Us Later
Dammit! I thought, looking in the mirror last night as I got ready for bed. Not again.
I knew what I’d see when I woke up this morning. Puffy, swollen under eyes and pink smattered across my cheeks.
This is not my first bad skin reaction rodeo.
I have weirdly sensitive skin. As in break out in hives in hot direct sunlight (a real hazard for someone whose happy place is the beach) or wake up looking like I went on an all-night bender (and maybe got punched a time or two) if I wear makeup in a hot tub.
There’s something about the combo of steam and makeup that my face just doesn’t tolerate, which is too bad because I love hanging out with one of my besties in his jacuzzi.
Despite how much I enjoy it in the moment, though, I am realizing that it comes with a cost.
Likewise, so do complaining and venting.
Truthfully, these habits can feel pretty good in the moment, but what happens over time?
The more you complain, the more you’ll have to complain about, regardless of what’s actually going on in your life.
That’s because complaining teaches your mind to focus on what’s wrong. It is practicing paying attention to the things you don’t like, the facets of your experience that aren’t up to snuff.
Closely related but even sneakier is venting.
It may feel psychologically prudent. You’re sharing your woes. Someone is listening and caring. It brings the two of you closer, especially if you share in the venting – a common wrong, so to speak.
It feels like support, but it isn’t.
That’s because there’s a fine line between processing and venting.
Processing, which is quite helpful, is working through an experience. It’s a way of gaining insight, making meaning, and/or finding a solution.
If, however, you’ve already made sense out of things or decided how you’re going to handle it, continuing to rehash it is venting, which is simply ruminating out loud with an audience.
And rumination is the filthiest mental habit of them all.
Rumination
Rumination is dwelling on negativity. It can be looping on negative thoughts, rehashing the past, or worriedly anticipating future bad. It’s linked to a higher risk for depression and anxiety and all-around zaps the joy from life.
So why do we do it?
In short, because we’re wired to.
It takes practice and effort to recognize when we’re ruminating, and it takes determination to disengage from this habit – and yes, it is a habit.
While it feels uncontrollable, something your mind just does on its own whether you want it to or not, rumination can be disrupted… if you choose to.
And I urge you, dear friend, to make that choice. 8000 times a day. Because rumination doesn’t lead anywhere good. Ever.
It is wholly destructive to our wellbeing.
Self-sabotage and Destructive Default Reactions
Speaking of destructive, it’s hard to sit with discomfort, to be patient in the face of pain of any kind (physical, emotional, psychological, social), so we, naturally, try to fix it or feel better fast.
Those efforts, though, can end up sabotaging us if we’re not wise.
It’s like the first time I had this obnoxious face reaction.
I’d been in Colorado visiting one of my favorite humans, Natalie. She’d taken me to the local hot springs, and I woke up to an angry, red, swollen face.
Now, I’ve endured all kinds of gross rash iterations before, but never on my face. I didn’t really know what to do.
My skin felt raw and agitated. It looked hideous.
I assumed a moisturizer would help. When it didn’t, I doubled down with another one and then another.
I did what came naturally: try to make my skin feel (and look) better asap.
I didn’t realize that my efforts to help were actually just layering chemicals onto an already compromised skin barrier. The result? Things got worse.
Much worse.
How often do we do that when it comes to coping?
Our drive to feel better and to fix the thing that’s upsetting us is strong… but often misguided.
Avoidance. Escaping. Numbing. Self-soothing through potentially destructive means (think doomscrolling, overeating, substance misuse, unhealthy sex). Lashing out. Protecting our ego by hurting others.
These things may feel necessary, but they’re not actually helpful, and deep down we probably know that.
But the urge is too strong, and we succumb, leaving our Future Self to deal with the mess.
Instead, we need to learn to be patient in the face of discomfort, to exercise wisdom in choosing our response to hard moments rather than indulging our knee-jerk reactions.
Now, when I get the first inkling that my face is going to freak out, I know to wash it and leave it alone.
There is nothing I can do to make it better, only things that will make it worse.
It’s not always easy, but remember that an urge is more like that friend who talks you into bad choices than the boss you have to obey.
To that end, I’m going to resist the urge to belabor this whole bath thing (though throwing the baby out with the bath water is a great metaphor for black-or-white thinking) and sum it up like this: Some things that feel good for us aren’t actually and will get us into hot water, psychologically speaking.
Tune in, choose wisely, and remember that you’re in charge, not your mind.
“Habits are like comfortable beds. They are easy to get into, but difficult to get out of.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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