A New Way to Set Boundaries
The beach is my happy place. Flour sand, clear blue water, waves big enough to push me around a bit. Is there anything better?
So, naturally, I live in Kansas City, about as far from the ocean as geographically possible.
(Cue slow blinking blank stare while questioning life decisions.)
Why Is My Happy Place Not So Happy?
Today, I have the privilege and good fortune of being back in San Juan.
We got in late last night and woke to roosters crowing. After a necessary coffee stop, our first order of business was to hit the beach.
When I’m on the beach, with the sounds of the water and a gentle breeze, it feels like my soul exhales, and I am at peace.
Except this time.
As I waded into the water, I noticed my mind was anywhere but Puerto Rico.
I was thinking about the keynote speech I gave two days ago.
The next book I want to write.
The graduate course I’m teaching in October.
My marketing and business development strategy.
And boundaries.
What Are Boundaries?
We typically think of setting boundaries when it comes to other people, and they are a good thing, even if frequently misunderstood and misused.
I’ve seen too many people weaponize psychological concepts while mistakenly believing they are enlightened.
“You violated my boundaries.”
Dear friend, boundaries are about your behavior. Not theirs.
Boundaries are your personal mandates for your behavior in certain circumstances or contexts. They are about what you will and won’t allow and how you will and won’t behave.
Not to be misconstrued with “woke” sounding efforts to control someone else, boundaries aren’t intended to dictate someone else’s actions. That’s manipulation, not healthy relational skills.
The only person who can violate your boundaries is you.
Don’t pass that on to someone else and give up your power. Yes, it's easier for us when someone else changes than to do the uncomfortable work of enacting a boundary, but we don’t look for the easy way out, do we?
We take charge. We do hard things. And we take ownership of our life experience.
But how does this relate to my wandering mind on the beach?
The Committee in Your Mind
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: You are not your mind.
Thank goodness… because your mind can be a giant jerk.
To be fair, it’s not always out to get you or intentionally trying to wreck your life, though it will if you let it.
Sometimes, your mind is actually trying to be helpful.
Dr. April my co-founder at Peak Mind: The Center for Psychological Strength, and I have often conceptualized it as The Committee in Your Mind, the collection of “voices” (distinct thinking patterns) that show up.
There are the ones we all have, whether we want them or not, like the Judge, the Doomsdayer (built-in negativity bias), the Worrier, and the Inner Critic.
There are the ones we all have the capacity for, like the Wise Advisor (values) and the Good Coach (self-compassion), if only we make the effort to invite them to the table, so to speak.
Then, there are the ones that are unique to us.
For me, there is Dr. Ashley, the uber-professional expert, the Side Kick, the insecure young part who struggles to take up space, and True Ashley, the confident, adventurous one experimenting her way through life.
Why Am I Thinking This Way?
These different parts show up at different times, for different reasons, and what may seem unhelpful isn’t necessarily bad. Misguided, perhaps, when they are trying to protect you in ways that are problematic or unnecessary, but not bad.
Like when your mind is beating you up in an effort to help you do better or keeping you up at night, running through endless lists of things you need to take care of or things that could go wrong.
Now is not the time.
Planning, predicting, dreaming. Those can be useful mental activities, depending on the context.
Take the Business Woman, who joined me on the beach.
She is quite useful. I value her drive, her critical thinking, her grit and determination to learn and build something.
But she wasn’t invited to the beach.
Hence the boundary. An internal boundary.
What Are Internal Boundaries?
Just as boundaries are about what you will do in the face of certain circumstances or in response to others’ behaviors, internal boundaries are about doing that same thing with all of the various Committee Members.
You don’t have to let your mind run the show, dragging you down whatever thought path it wants to take you.
Instead, you can set an internal boundary.
Can You Control Your Mind?
Our minds are going to do what they do, and we can’t control them any more than we can control other people.
Whatever you do—I mean it—whatever you do… don’t think about chocolate cake.
You’re smiling now, aren’t you?
And craving chocolate cake.
You’re welcome.
As much as we might want to, we can’t fully control our minds.
Yes, we can influence them. And it is certainly the case that practicing certain kinds of mental processes or thinking patterns will strengthen those pathways, making them more of your default.
But our minds are going to do what they were designed to do: think.
When they’re being oh-so-helpful, rather than getting frustrated or upset, it’s worth getting curious.
Why is this Committee Member showing up now? Is it trying to help me in some way? Hurt me in some way?
Where did this come from?
What is the function (which is psychologist-speak for purpose)? Is it protective? From what? Do I need to be protected from that?
Or is it just habit? The lazy path of least resistance?
You’d be surprised how many people indulge in self-criticism or worry simply out of habit, while certainly others do so based on the erroneous belief that it is helpful or protective (no amount of worry will prevent bad things from happening, and self-criticism will not prevent future mistakes).
If it’s not serving you, set a compassionate internal boundary.
How Do Internal Boundaries Work?
I gently thanked my mind for the work it was doing and chose to disengage, focusing instead on the feel of the water and the taste of the salt.
I redirected my attention.
I chose my course of (mental) action.
(And, if I’m being really honest, let the Author take the reins as I write this while lying in the shade, my hair blowing in the wind.)
As I continue to flirt with this idea of internal boundaries, I’ll keep noticing which part, which Committee Member, is showing up. I will remind myself that my mind can do whatever it wants, but I am in charge of my attention and efforts.
We can’t control our minds.
What we can do is set an internal boundary.
“If we opt, over and over, to surrender our valuable energy and time to people and things that hold no real value and, worse, separate us from the people and things that do, the joke’s on us and we have only ourselves to blame.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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