Empathy: You’re Doing It All Wrong
Trust is the secret sauce of all healthy relationships. Whether we’re talking workplace teams, friendships, or romantic partnerships, bad things happen when trust is lacking.
We need a strong foundation of trust, and trust is built on empathy.
Too bad you’re probably doing empathy all wrong.
When Fear Holds Us Back
About a decade ago, I went on a cruise with a big group from the ballroom studio where I danced, most of whom I already knew. The rest I got to know on the boat.
Except for one.
Him, I avoided.
I now know that E is an amazing, successful, and utterly charming human being. At the time, however, all I saw was a blind man, and I didn’t know how to talk to him.
Do I pretend that he’s just like everyone else? That I don’t notice his disability?
Do I adjust the basic social script to account for his blindness? If so, how?
I didn’t avoid him out of malice. Rather, I was driven by fear.
I was afraid that I would inadvertently say or do something wrong. I was afraid that I would be awkward or offensive. Frankly, I felt small, unsure, and uncomfortable, so I did nothing.
And I did nothing as someone who has a disability herself.
What Not to Do
I’ve been legally blind since childhood but was able to fake it and pass for “normal” most of my life. As my vision has deteriorated, though, I’ve had to be more open about my disability, and I’ve encountered all kinds of responses.
There are those who avoid talking about my sight, obviously uncomfortable with it. They avert their gaze from the elephant in the room.
There are those who define me by it, introducing me as, “This is Ashley. She’s blind.” (Thanks. I’m so much more than that.)
There are those who minimize it—“I forget about your vision. No one can really tell.” They’re trying to make me feel better about something I don’t really feel bad about anymore, inadvertently communicating that I should.
There are those who make assumptions about my abilities and “help” in ways I don’t need.
There are those who are inspired by me and those who pity me.
Then there are those who just get me.
They are curious enough and courageous enough to ask questions, to understand what I can and can’t do. They see beyond the surface and see me as a person, a whole person who has strengths and weaknesses but is generally capable and valuable.
They are the ones who have mastered empathy.
What Empathy Really Is
We often hear empathy defined as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
But this isn’t quite right.
Too often, we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes… then look at things from our own perspective.
This is you if you’ve ever pitied someone—"I would be so miserable if I were them.”— or been angrily baffled by someone’s behavior—"I don’t understand how they can treat me this way. I would never do that to them!”
When we do this, we’re putting ourselves in their situation while clinging to our own perspective: what we would or wouldn’t do, how we would feel, or what we would want. And then we are judging.
Not understanding.
True empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes… and seeing the world from their perspective. Through their eyes.
How to Build Empathy
Empathy requires curiosity about another's experience. I wonder what this is like for them? We have to be willing to question, to listen, and to be open to what we learn.
It also requires courage. It’s hard to wade into psychologically uncomfortable territory, which is exactly where we go when we join with someone else in their experience and when we address elephants in the room.
In July, I took a trip with my friend Barb. She met me in the After, as in After I came out of the disability closet.
She’s only known me as someone who speaks and writes openly about vision loss, so she, like so many others who are familiar with me and my work, knows that this is not an off-limits topic.
At the same time, she approaches me differently than 99% of people.
As we were moving through the airport, she showed me something on her phone, then so bluntly said, “I don’t really understand what you see. I want to, so please just be open with me. If I can do something to help make things easier, just let me know. And if I’m offering help you don’t need, tell me to knock it off.”
In those few short sentences, she demonstrated interest in me as a person, curiosity in my life experience, and a willingness to help in the way I need it.
I cannot downplay the impact of her courage, curiosity, and candor. She makes no assumptions and does not shy away from potentially uncomfortable topics. The result? I felt seen, safe, and accepted.
Seeking to understand someone else’s experiences requires us to step outside of our own. To set aside judgments, to stop making assumptions, and to let go of our egos. That’s real empathy. Try it on and see what happens.
“Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
Subscribe to The Way I See It monthly newsletter to get science-backed insights and inspiring stories delivered straight to your inbox.