Decoding Defensiveness
NOTE: If you’d rather listen than read, get the audio here.
I have a dear friend who shoots so straight with me I’ll call her Annie Oakley.
A fair amount of the time, Annie calls me out on using my “therapist voice,” saying “just be my friend.” This time, though, was different.
“I need Dr. Ashley today.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, immediately concerned.
As she filled me in on some unsettling relationship friction, I could immediately see where things went awry.
They had both noticed a little distance lately. He named it first, and she responded with (what she thought was) agreement and encouragement.
Instead, he heard criticism. He heard, “It’s your fault.”
So his defenses went up. Naturally.
Sensing his shields going up, hers did, too. Things devolved from there, as they usually do when someone gets defensive.
Why Do We Get Defensive?
The reason is literally in the name. We get defensive when we feel a need to defend ourselves against a perceived threat or attack to our ego or identity. It’s a protective move intended to deflect harm or discomfort.
We feel defensive when someone criticizes us. It sucks to feel less than, flawed, or messed up in some way.
We feel defensive when someone tells us we’re wrong. Being right is really important to our pesky egos. It’s as though being wrong or making a mistake means that we are bad, dumb, or some other negative thing instead of, I don’t know, human.
We feel defensive when someone holds us accountable for the impact of our actions, especially if we either: A) are quite aware that we acted without integrity or B) weren’t aware and are now cringing. Either way, it becomes a shoot-the-messenger sort of thing.
It all boils down to not liking it when something calls our sense of self into question or bruises our ego.
Lost in Translation
In every conversation, there’s what Person A thinks they’re saying, what Person B thinks A is saying, and what was actually said. We’re speaking the same language, but we’re not saying the same thing.
That’s because everything gets filtered through our minds, who we depend on to tell us what it means.
But they get it wrong.
A lot.
Someone expressing a need is not an indication that you failed or f*cked up. It’s an indication that they want to trust you.
Someone sharing their feelings—even in response to something you did—is not an attack. Nor is it your job to fix their feelings. Sure, take accountability for your actions and their impact, intended or not, but their feelings are theirs.
Someone being defensive is not a cue for you be defensive back. Their reaction isn’t a criticism.
We conflate these things all the time and perceive threat where none exists.
The kicker, though, is that your defenses may be going up based on past experiences, not what’s happening right now with this person in front of you.
This is where understanding a few fundamental things about how your mind operates comes in handy.
When the Past Shows Up in the Present
Your subconscious mind is essentially one big pattern recognition machine looking for signs that you might encounter danger, and it works by connecting dots.
Think back to your Psych 101 class and the case of Baby Albert.
In a nutshell, researchers let Albert play with a white rat. As he was relaxed, having a good ole' time, they made a loud noise, which startled the poor kid.
Yep. Terrorizing toddlers all in the name of science.
In that moment, Albert’s little mind felt fear then started connecting dots. It essentially said, “That was scary. I don’t like that. Fear means unsafe. What are all the things that might mean I’m about to be unsafe? Loud noises. Check. White rats. Check.”
It went on to connect other dots. This is like that, so it’s now connected, part of the pattern.
White and furry is like that rat. Rabbits. Santa’s beard. Anytime Baby Albert encountered one of those connected dots, his fear response got activated. In other words, he got triggered, or his “This Is Going to Be Bad” button got pushed.
A trigger is a psychological button. When it’s pressed, it activates a mental app or script, so to speak. For example, if the “Criticism Incoming” or the “It’s All My Fault Blame” button gets pushed, whatever just happened gets filtered through those lenses, and you respond automatically.
So your defenses may go up now because of a dot that connected to something bad in the past.
What to Do When You (or They) Are Being Defensive
If you’re the one who is being defensive, pause and check in with yourself:
Are you responding to the present, or is the past intruding?
Look at what’s real right now and ask yourself, “What’s the kindest explanation for what just happened?” Do you really think that person is out to hurt you?
Check your values. What’s important here? Do you need to be right, or do you need to connect? Do you need to shut down or grow? Do you need to protect your ego or the relationship?
If it’s just a button getting pushed, own it! Call it out—”I’m sorry. I got defensive, and I don’t need to be. What I wish I had said was…”
If you’re on the receiving end of defensiveness, pause and check yourself:
Take a breath and remind yourself that something just pushed a threat detector button for them. That’s not their fault.
Nor is it an invitation for you to get defensive. Meeting like with like is going to start a battle or a standoff.
Don’t double down. Calling them out for being defensive just turned it into a present-moment attack. Instead, reel it back with something like, “I don’t think that landed the way I meant it to. What I meant to say was…”
Then rewind and redo. Repair and reconnect.
When the Threat Is Real
You might feel defensive in the moment because you are, in fact, being attacked.
(And they might be defensive because you ARE attacking, whether you meant to or not. If you’re coming at them with a “should,” “why,” or an unsolicited critique, or if your immediate reaction involves a “just”—”I was just trying to…” Nope. This one’s on you. No need to get defensive, though, dear friend. Refer back to the “What to Do When You’re Being Defensive “ strategies above.)
When that happens, remember that defensiveness is a signal.
It’s your job to notice it and determine whether it’s accurate and if protection in the present moment is necessary.
It rarely is, though.
You see, even if someone IS criticizing, blaming, or holding a mirror up to show you the psychic spinach in your teeth, none of those experiences are actually dangerous.
They are uncomfortable, yes, and you need to decide if protecting your ego is worth it or if you can step outside of that fragile part of you and be the bigger, better version of you that you want to be.
It takes an incredible amount of psychological strength to be aware of what is unfolding inside you and others, in real time, and to not let default programming take over.
It takes two to tango, though.
While we are responsible for managing our own minds, we can also give each other grace and create space for growth. When we do, we’ll all be better off.
“Defensiveness is normal and universal. It is also the archenemy of listening. Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know our partner or be known.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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