What to Do When You Feel Stuck
Getting Unstuck May Be Easier than You Think
NOTE: If you’d rather listen than read, get the audio here.
I was three years older than my brother Zach, which meant that until puberty tipped the scales in the other direction, I was bigger and stronger.
When we’d get into it, I’d wrangle him to the ground, plop down on his torso, and pin his little arms under my knees. He’d turn tomato red as he struggled, fruitlessly, to get free.
He was stuck… and he hated it.
Like Zach, when we’re stuck, we’re powerless, victims to circumstances beyond our control, whether that’s a big sister’s taunt or an oppressive system crushing you.
Being stuck is a pretty brutal psychological experience, one that seems to universally suck our soul.
It sucks to be stuck.
Perhaps you know, intimately, just how harrowing it can be.
Maybe you’ve found yourself trapped in a situation or relationship you didn’t want to be in. There’s nothing you could do about it. You had no choice, no agency.
Here’s my unpopular opinion, though: You’re not actually stuck. You just feel that way.
And feelings aren’t facts.
The Stuck Story
Of course, there are exceptions. Poor Young Zach was legitimately stuck… at least until our mom intervened. (Don’t worry. Payback is a bitch. A few years later, as he filled out and our roles reversed, he got his. “Ever heard of the drool game?” she asks, shuddering at the memories.)
If you are being physically detained against your will by immovable forces like a locked door or tied to life-sustaining medical equipment, then I’ll grant you: you are, indeed, stuck.
Outside of that, though, stuck is the story you’re telling yourself.
It’s one that absolves you of both power and responsibility, making it enticing and demoralizing all at once because it prevents you from having to do something difficult.
As much as we may not like the Stuck Story, on some level, we cling to it. Our circumstances and our conditioning fuel it, providing ample evidence to prop up its core tenet: I can’t.
Those two little words. So strong and yet so wrong.
Abort Problem-Solving Efforts
Our minds are natural problem-solvers, but they’re also lazy. They don’t want to expend any unnecessary energy. That means when your mind hears “I can’t. Period,” it shuts down efforts to find a solution.
I can’t = End of story.
It doesn’t even try to find a way out. Why bother wasting time and energy on something that’s impossible?
The result? Nothing changes. You stay stuck.
The issue? That’s not really the end of the story.
I Can’t… Or Can I?
My vision loss has shaped my life in innumerable ways, one of which is where I choose to live. A house in the country with miles between me and the nearest grocery store seems unfeasible, and the idea of the suburbs makes me feel claustrophobic and stuck because I can’t drive.
But that’s not actually accurate, is it?
I can drive. I know how. I did it for years before my vision tanked. What I can’t do is drive safely or legally.
Sure, the end result is the same: I’m not operating a moving vehicle. The point, though, is that I can’t because is the Stuck Story, not the whole truth.
I can almost hear you pushing back: “But Dr. Ashley, you don’t understand. I really can’t XYZ.”
Dear one, is that true? Is it true that you can’t, or that you can’t do it in the way you’d like: easily, comfortably, or without a cost?
“Ha! I can’t fly!” you respond, triumphant, yet unknowingly building my case.
You are correct. Without wings, humans cannot fly independently or freely. We can, however, fly in a plane. Try again.
While I’m being slightly antagonistic here (I’ll knock it off soon, I promise), I do realize there are likely exceptions beyond being imprisoned by some sort of captor. Let’s sidestep debate, though, and look at the real goal: to stop feeling stuck.
To that end, language matters. It shapes our thoughts.
And when we take shortcuts, indulge inaccuracies, or are imprecise, it serves to keep us right where we don’t want to be. In other words, I can’t—Period—reinforces stuckness.
Instead, let I can’t be a red flag that warns you to press further. Doing so may just start to shift the narrative and give you some psychological wiggle room.
Unlocking Problem-Solving
Our minds, natural problem-solvers that they are, love to find solutions for us. We just have to give them a chance.
Instead of accepting I can’t… ask How can I…?
That question shifts your mind into game-on-let’s-do-this mode, initiating problem-solving, and beginning the process of getting you unstuck.
I can’t drive becomes how can I drive? Which, to be honest, isn’t really the factor keeping me stuck. It’s not having the autonomy and the means to get where I want to go when I want to go there that’s the real sticking point.
Great, so how can I get where I need to go?
Well, I can call an Uber, take the bus, hire a driver, ask a friend, walk. All of which I’ve done rather than staying stuck.
Your turn.
I can’t leave my [insert current circumstance] becomes how can I leave? Or perhaps the true problem to solve is underneath that urge.
Maybe it’s: How can I get respect? How can I get more free time? How can I get more pay? How can I feel more cared for?
Phrasing the dilemma this way opens up possibilities, allowing you to realize that you do, in fact, have choices (albeit ones you may not like or want).
It Comes with a Cost
Ain’t nothin’ in this world free, my friend.
Every choice in front of you comes with a cost.
But so does staying stuck.
It’s a matter of deciding which cost you want to pay.
Let’s say your entire life feels like one big stuckshow and you want out. As we’ve established, I can’t leave because I have family to care for and bills to pay becomes how can I leave?
Well, if you have access to a credit card, you can book a one-way ticket to Bali and become a beach bum.
Now, I’m not saying that’s a good option. It means abandoning your family and blowing your credit. That’s a steep cost.
Still, you’ve got choices. You’re not stuck.
You just may not be willing to pay the price to get unstuck. That’s a different ballgame.
That’s a willingness issue.
Am I willing to do what it takes to change my situation? Am I willing to experience the inside ick that doing so will bring?
If you’re unwilling to pay the cost, whatever that might be, that’s fine. Absolutely 100%. Just own it.
I can’t leave my life becomes I am unwilling to leave because I don’t want to pay the cost.
I can drive… but not without risking jail time or serious bodily harm to myself or someone else. That’s not a cost I’m willing to pay.
The willingness question makes it a matter of won’t instead of can’t.
That may not feel like a win, and it might cause some internal squirming as you grapple with uncomfortable truths the Stuck Story protects you from, but you’re not stuck.
Change It or Choose It
A wise person once told me (fine, credit where it’s due. It was my other little brother, Joey): What you’re not changing, you’re choosing.
Life’s metaphorical big sister does not have you pinned to the mat. You’ve got some mental jiu jitsu moves to get out of the submission hold, though you may get banged up and bruised in the process.
I think back to times when I’ve felt stuck, in jobs, relationships, lifestyle patterns, and habits. How I’d daydream about a way out while simultaneously accepting all of the reasons why I can’t leave, change, or do anything about it.
Hindsight is the only 20/20 I have, and it’s crystal clear that none of those can’ts were real. Proof positive being that I’m no longer stuck in any of those quagmires.
I’m not saying the way out is easy. I’m not saying that it just takes gumption or a little elbow grease to get unstuck. Sometimes it requires real sacrifice, real pain. Yet, those are real options.
The way I see it, most of the time we feel stuck, we’re not. We’re just buying a bogus story. We can make a choice. We can change our language, change our perspective, or change something about our circumstances.
“Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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