Dealing with Self-Doubt
Have you ever doubted yourself? Heard that little whisper: Are you sure?
Those three little words echo, reverberating through you, until they stop you in your tracks.
Sometimes the effect is subtle. You don’t even know you’re doubting.
You sit down to start that project, and suddenly need a glass of water. You tell yourself you’re going to ask that hard question, but now’s not a good time. You’re going to take that leap, but you just need to think about it a little longer, do a little more research, explore your options one more time.
Distractions. Excuses. Procrastination. Valid-seeming reasons to delay.
All strategies designed to quiet the doubt and, ultimately, stave off uncertainty.
Why Uncertainty Sucks
When we’re not sure how things will turn out, we can’t definitively know that we will be safe. As a result, our anxiety systems kick in.
Anxiety warns us of danger and tells us to avoid or escape.
Unfortunately, it isn’t always accurate. The perceived threat may not be a credible one.
As much as you may not like it, you must embrace the fact that we will never have 100% certainty, which means there will always be room for doubt.
That little doubting voice is just trying to keep you safe.
It’s also holding you back.
Are you sure?
No. Of course not. We’re never really sure, especially not when it comes to venturing into new territory or taking a chance.
But let’s be real.
So many of the things we want, the things that make life feel big and bold and worthwhile, require us to take a blind leap, to hope it works out and to trust that we can handle it if it doesn’t.
You want that new job, to experience real intimacy, to do stand up comedy or take a dance class, to write that book, to move to that new city, to tell that out-of-bounds person to shove it.
You can envision a better future on the other side of that thing, but are you sure it will turn out that way?
And just like that, the doubt creeps in. It takes hold. It gives us pause.
Three Life Lessons
As I reflect on this year, which was a huge transition for me as I closed my psychology practice to focus on full-time speaking and writing, I am realizing three powerful things.
1. Fear is sneakier than you think.
I’ve spent 20 years studying and treating anxiety. Along the way, I conquered my own… or so I thought.
I went from a socially anxious teenager to an outgoing and confident woman. I found a way to come to terms with vision loss, to move past fear and grief to find joy and adventure.
I have internalized the core message that I spent decades teaching patients: Anxiety does not get to call your shots.
I thought I had it down pat.
It’s been humbling to realize how insidious anxiety can be, how easily it can don a new mask.
I’ve had more fear of embarrassment and failure than I’ve had in years. It slipped in beneath the radar, showing up as indecision and procrastination (that’s the reason you haven’t heard about my next book yet. It’s still waiting to be written).
I’ve had more doubt this year, even alongside conviction that I was taking the right steps.
Intellectually, I know that uncertainty = anxiety. I know the importance of not avoiding what makes you anxious because doing so only amplifies it.
But knowing isn’t the same as doing. Speaking of doing…
2. No one knows what the f*ck they’re doing.
At least no one who is stepping off the well-worn path and trying to carve their own.
I don’t necessarily mean entrepreneurship, but certainly there.
If you’re stepping off any of the beaten paths you usually take— expressing vulnerability, creativity, routines and activities—you’re going to stumble over unfamiliar terrain as you find your footing.
I liken it to being dropped off in the middle of the woods. You know there’s an amazing place that you really want to go… somewhere out there. But you don’t have a map. You feel paralyzed, but you must take a step or stay stuck.
You don’t know which direction to go… but neither does anyone else.
You just can’t always tell, in part because people don’t broadcast that and in part because our minds tend to warp comparisons, skewing them in an unfair way (as one patient told me years ago: I compare my behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel).
It looks like everyone else knows what they’re doing, but they’re just feeling their way forward, too.
3. Pulling back the curtain and sharing doubts is helpful.
I have been so fortunate lately to have many people I admire and respect, whose footsteps I aspire to follow in, who seem like they have it all figured out, be candid about what it’s really like for them.
They’ve been brave enough and open enough to voice their own doubts, and in doing so, have normalized mine, inspired me to trudge onward, and frankly, have reaffirmed that our minds can be giant jerks.
My challenge to you, dear friend, as I take it on myself, is to recognize doubt for what it is: Just a scared little part of you that wants to make sure you stay safe.
We’re not looking for certainty before we act. We’re not waiting for beyond a reasonable doubt.
That may be a fine standard for the legal system, but not when it comes to living your bold life.
The real question isn’t: Are you sure? It’s: Are you willing to risk it?
Are you willing to risk failure? Are you willing to risk the relationship? Are you willing to risk a bruise to your ego or some temporary discomfort?
Are you willing to do it despite doubt?
“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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