Who Are You When the Chips Are Down?
Doing What Matters, Even When It’s Hard
NOTE: If you’d rather listen than read, get the audio here.
“Are you going to do it, Aunt Ashley?” my 12-year-old nephew asked, with a mixture of incredulity and hope.
I could get out of it if I really wanted to (and part of me did), but I’d lost the bet, fair and square.
“Of course, I am,” I announced, with more nonchalance than I felt.
Because, as mortifying as I knew it would be, I also knew two things about the kind of person I aim to be: someone who is trustworthy and brave.
On Being Trustworthy
As we’re increasingly bombarded with AI, deepfakes, and misinformation inside a culture that prioritizes comfort and permits flakiness, trust matters now more than ever.
To me, being trustworthy means that your words and your actions match.
If you tell someone that you’re going to something, do you do it? Or do you find reasons to squirm out of it when things get a little spicy?
It was super easy to agree to the terms of the bet when it felt hypothetical. Heck, I was the one who suggested it in the first place. I didn’t actually think I’d lose.
Sure, Future Ashley will do that. No problem.
We make agreements on behalf of our Future Selves all the time.
When it’s a vague possibility, there’s no in-the-moment emotion kicking in, influencing us or making us uncomfortable. It’s easy to make a promise then.
Or we genuinely want to want to do it. We don’t right now, but we naively hope that our Future Self will somehow magically feel motivated or that the task will spontaneously get easier.
Or we lack the self-awareness to fully appreciate that our discipline will fail or that we don’t actually have the wherewithal to make it happen.
The bottom line is that talk is cheap. It’s easy to make commitments, plans, or assertions about the kind of person you are or what you will or won’t do when there’s no sacrifice required.
It’s a different ball game, though, when shit gets real.
When there are stakes, when competing desires or demands arise, what do you do? Do you stay true to your word, or do you break trust?
A discrepancy between what you say you’ll do or who you say you are and your actions erodes trust. In your relationships. On your teams. And with yourself, which may be the biggest cost of them all.
So if being trustworthy matters to you in the same way it does to me, we’ve got a couple challenges to embrace: 1. Being aware and intentional when you make commitments. Don’t let your mouth write a check your Future Self can’t — or won’t — cash. Reflect and be real with yourself, and if you still want to say you’ll do it, then 2. Do the damn thing. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
On Being Brave
Being brave means being willing to do something even though you feel afraid or uncomfortable.
I lost a silly bet. I wasn’t in danger, but I was going to have to endure a difficult internal experience to get it done. I was going to feel embarrassed and judged.
These are not experiences that most of us actively seek out (excepting those Impractical Jokers guys). In fact, we tend to shy away from inside ick like this (i.e., my super scientific term for internal discomfort like difficult thoughts, feelings, and sensations).
It sucks to feel anxious or uncertain or embarrassed or awkward or insecure or small or disrespected or unwanted or undervalued.
So we work really hard to avoid, suppress, get rid of, or change it.
It takes courage to knowingly and intentionally do something that is going to provoke those feelings instead.
I spent nearly 20 years as a practicing psychologist helping others overcome anxiety, which essentially boils down to doing scary things and learning to get comfortable being uncomfortable because efforts to avoid backfire. Sure, you might end up with short-term relief, but it causes bigger problems over time.
You better bet I practice what I preach. I am not a fan of letting anxiety be the decision-maker in my life, so bring on the judgment and embarrassment (she says with a deep breath and resigned resolve).
Finding Your Own Way
Being trustworthy and brave are two of my values, but they may not be yours. That is absolutely fine. It’s not my place to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t value. It’s a personal decision and one that surprisingly few people give the time it deserves.
I hope that you’ll take the time to figure out yours because clarifying your values is some of the most important work you can do as a human.
They are your North Star, guiding you to be the kind of person you want to be. Without them, you’re a ship at sea, bouncing on the waves, going in whichever direction the wind takes you.
Doing What Matters
It’s easy to follow your values when the stakes are low, and you’re feeling calm and confident on the inside. It’s another thing altogether when the stakes are higher, when everyone is watching — and judging — when the inside ick is overwhelming, and your mind is loudly screaming: STOP. DON’T. YOU CAN’T.
Those are the times that define us.
We tell ourselves it’s ok. There are contextual factors at play here.
We hear the internal excuses, justifications, and rationales that let us off the hook for not doing the hard, brave thing we know we would if we were being true to ourselves.
It’s easy to deceive ourselves because we know what we think, feel, and intend.
A bit dramatic perhaps, but if you hit someone with your car, for whatever reason, whether you meant to or not, they still got hit.
Your actions have consequences, regardless of however your mind justifies them. And if we’re willing to be honest, the justification is really just a fancy way of avoiding something that’s uncomfortable.
Get real with yourself. What do your actions say about the kind of person you are and what’s important to you?
Be brave, my friend. Be willing to experience the ick to do what matters.
The Long Trek
I reminded myself of all of this as I crossed the room and prepared to do what needed to be done.
I bent my knees.
Tucked my hands under my arms and began flapping my elbows like wings.
I started jutting my neck forward and back.
And I began the longest trek of my life.
“QUACK!”
The chatter in the room instantly stopped.
“QUACK!”
Heads spun.
“I lost a bet,” I whispered between quacks to the three men who undoubtedly got whiplash as they whirled around to see the commotion unfolding.
All eyes were on me as I continued to shout, “Quack! Quack! QUACK!” strutting my way across the world’s largest room toward the exit.
My cheeks burned. A part of me floated out of my body. Why are you doing this?!
Because I want to be trustworthy and brave. Even when it’s hard.
What about you? When the chips are down, my friend, who are you?
“Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same, but you leave ’em all over everything you do.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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