7 Things That Are Silently Sabotaging Your Mental Health
When you combine modern living, which takes us away from lifestyles conducive to mental wellbeing, with the malignant ethos surrounding us right now, it’s like trying to thrive in a toxic petri dish. Whether you or a loved one has a diagnosable mental health condition or not, I would argue (and often do) that mental health matters for every single one of us, now more so than ever. Proactively protecting yours and intentionally cultivating psychological strength and resilience need to be a high priority.
As we kick off Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to call attention to some damaging things that may not be on your radar. Engaging in or experiencing each of these, whether volitionally or not, is like ingesting psychological poison. Fortunately, all have antidotes.
1. Shame
Shame is insidious. Its seeds burrow deep, sprouting tentacles that permeate so many facets of our being. It is the dark feeling of being flawed, the fear that if someone knew this aspect of me, they would reject me. It drives us to hide or mask to prevent that feared outcome from coming true. And in my experience, both personal and professional, it lurks beneath the surface, shaping us in ways we don’t even realize.
Perfectionism? Avoidance? Overachievement? Not speaking up? Feelings of inadequacy, of worthlessness, or being unlovable? All the results of shame, among so many others.
While not a diagnosis in and of itself, shame seems to underlie so many mental health struggles. It may be a causal force behind things like depression and anxiety, and it can certainly be the result of those conditions (or a myriad of other human struggles) as well, piling on top of what’s already hard.
The Antidote: Not hiding
I am a big believer that the best way to overcome fear is to face it, and science backs that up. Given that shame is essentially a version of fear, albeit a spectacularly nasty one, shining light on it is the most effective way to dismantle it. Sharing, rather than hiding, the sources of your shame with trusted others who can respond with empathy and acceptance goes a long way toward eradicating those feelings.
2. Despair
If the media (and your uncle) are to be believed, these are terrible times, and we are all doomed. Blatantly sidestepping any potential argument here—I don’t have a crystal ball any more than you do. None of us knows the future—it’s easy to fall into despair.
The news isn’t the only one to blame. When we are under significant stress, experiencing depression, or feel stuck in unwanted circumstances, despair is an easy place for our brains to go. And if we go there, our mental health is going to tank. Despair promises us that it’s too late, that things will never get better, and it robs us of any power or responsibility to take action, or worse, leads us to take ineffective or even harmful ones.
The Antidote: Hope
Regardless of how bad things seem in this moment, you can always choose hope. Hope is a lifeline when you feel like you’re drowning. Grab that lifeline and hold on for dear life. Build hope intentionally. Choose to believe that things can get better; they often do if we can just wait long enough. Furthermore, operating from a place of hope will lead you down a different path than despair. It will help you make choices that will actually help in the long run.
3. Self-criticism
Everyone has an inner critic, but letting that voice get loud or direct you on what to do is categorically unhelpful. “But, Dr. Ashley, self-criticism fuels me. It gives me motivation, drives me to succeed, and without it, I’d lose my edge.”
I hear your objections, and, dear friend, you’re wrong. Self-criticism triggers your fight-or-flight system, increasing stress and anxiety, which actually hinders performance and learning. Besides, think about the toll it would take on a child if they were constantly told they weren’t good enough or criticized when they made a mistake. It would be awful! Yet, we let our minds do it to us all. The. Time.
The Antidote: Self-compassion
Roll your eyes all you want. I’ll be honest. I used to roll mine, too. That was before I understood the science behind self-compassion. In a nutshell, self-compassion, which is essentially recognizing the reality of the situation you’re in (not “letting yourself off the hook” necessarily but not piling on or judging either) and responding with kindness, causes a different cascade of events to happen in your nervous system, and this reaction is much more conducive to high performance, learning, connecting, and generally being well and happy.
4. Rumination
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: rumination is a nasty mental habit. Habit. As in choice. Something you can choose to stop if you are so inclined.
Rumination is dwelling on negative thoughts. Our minds tend to do this naturally when they are unoccupied, when we are anxious and perceive a threat, and when we have some sort of unresolved problem. Despite being natural, rumination is a huge risk factor for anxiety and depression and certainly robs you of potential happiness. Dwelling on the negative doesn’t fix it, and it won’t help you feel any better.
Public Service Announcement: We need to include complaining and venting here as well because they are simply ruminating out loud with an audience. If you are not gaining new insights or figuring out a course of action, then you’re probably just rehashing old territory, essentially practicing being upset and dwelling in the past or future. Not helpful.
The Antidote: Mindfulness
When we are ruminating, we are not present. We are not paying attention to our current experience, and that’s the core of mindfulness—paying attention to some aspect of the present moment without judgment. Bonus? The benefits of mindfulness are hard to underestimate. Trust me, if you want a long, happy life, it’s worth starting a mindfulness practice now.
5. Loneliness
The rates of loneliness have reached epidemic proportions, and I’m not being dramatic. Former Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy identified loneliness as a critical threat to public health. It doesn’t just suck to feel lonely, it tanks your mental and physical health in serious ways. Feeling alone or like there’s no one you can lean on for help opens the door for all of the other silent saboteurs on this list. We are meant to be in community, to care for and be cared for by each other, and when that’s not happening, our mental health goes down the toilet.
The Antidote: Authentic Connection
Authentic connection—moments when we connect one human being to another in a real, genuine way— is the best way I know to battle loneliness. Pick up the phone and call someone, even if you haven’t talked to them in ages or don’t think you have time. Even just a few minutes (as in single digits) can help you feel connected. Say hello to the grocery store clerk. Compliment a coworker. Hug a friend or family member. Share something from your inside world (a thought or a feeling) with someone. Bottom line, resist the urge to pull away, hide, or not say something. Make it a point to connect with another person.
6. Anger & Hate
While these are not the same emotion, they certainly seem to be besties right now, and neither is going to boost your mental health. Granted, sometimes anger can be righteous, propelling you to take effective action to right a wrong or change something that isn’t working. What I’m seeing right now, though, is that a lot of people are pretty much living in an angry state, bordering on hate when it comes to their fellow humans. The reality is, the more you’re in an angry state, the less you’re in a happy one (not that the goal is happy 100% of the time. That’s not possible). And hate might feel good in some weird ways, but it is not an ingredient in the good mental health recipe.
The Antidote: Compassion
Compassion is the antidote for both anger and hate. The formula for compassion is empathy + kindness. Put yourself in their shoes… and see the world from their perspective, through the lens of their history, their knowledge, and their beliefs—not yours. Then practice kindness in your thoughts, words, and actions. We will all be better off for it.
7. Passive Consumption
Think about the way you spend your time. How much of it is in passive consumption? Passive meaning that it takes very little energy or effort on your part. You can basically just sit there and be entertained. Consumption means you’re taking things in rather than creating or putting something into the world. Passive consumption activities are things like streaming shows and doomscrolling (or any kind of scrolling, for that matter). These activities might be enjoyable in the moment, but pay attention to what happens when you do them day after day. If you really tune in, you’re going to notice that you feel more bored, less energetic, and less motivated. It’s a risk factor for depression, and depending on what content you’re taking in, anxiety, anger, hate, despair, and/or shame as well.
The Antidote: Active Production
In order to thrive, we need to spend time in a state of flow. Think of it as engaged with life. You’re really in the moment, engrossed in what you’re doing… and what you’re doing takes skill, not passive consumption. Our moods tend to lift when we do things that give us a sense of mastery or accomplishment. We are more vibrant, more vital versions of ourselves when our time is spent in more active and creative or productive ways. Do those things!
Mental health is real, and it matters. I implore you. Take care of yours, please!
“Your mental health is a priority. Your happiness is an essential. Your self-care is a necessity.”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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