Accepting the Unacceptable
What do you do when you’re faced with circumstances you don’t like that are out of your control?
That seems like the million dollar question right now, doesn’t it, my friend?
Psychology and philosophy (and perhaps other traditions as well) would tell us that acceptance is the answer.
But how do you accept things that seem truly unacceptable?
What Is Acceptance?
Most people bristle when they hear the word acceptance, so we need to get on the same page about what it actually is and isn’t.
It is NOT approval, liking, wanting, or agreeing. It is also NOT resignation or defeat.
Acceptance is simply acknowledging reality as it is and not wasting time, effort, or energy trying to change things that can’t be changed.
It’s the embodiment of the phrase “It is what it is,” said with an attitude of nonattachment.
I think of it as the process of becoming indifferent. Not in an apathetic whatever kind of way but in a this will not define or dictate me one.
And it’s easier said than done.
How Do You Accept Bad Things?
If you’re struggling to accept something, you have to get real with yourself. Get honest about whether it is in your control or not. You may WANT control, but my fellow Southerners know how that goes (You can want in one hand and…).
The first stop on your way to acceptance is really letting go of the beliefs that you should have control or that things should be different.
This is important to think about.
Whether you’re dealing with something personal or just trying to stay sane in this dumpster fire that is the world right now, you are likely being bombarded with things that you don’t like, things that you cannot control, and things that feel wholly unacceptable.
Yet, if you don’t do some accepting, you’re going to suffer extra.
It’s Complicated
As a psychologist, acceptance is one of the most difficult things I’ve worked on with countless patients. It is not straightforward or formulaic: do this, this, and this, then you’ll have acceptance.
Or is it be accepting?
It’s not even crystal clear if acceptance is a noun or a verb. Personally, I think it’s a bit of both… and then some. I see acceptance as a choice, a journey, a skill, and an attitude.
Whatever it is, how do you find it?
I don’t know that I have all the answers, but the last 10 years of my life have been a masterclass in acceptance.
Finding Acceptance
I have a degenerative retinal disease that causes a blind spot in my central vision. I first showed symptoms in elementary school, so this is not a new thing. It’s the degenerative part, however, that makes things hard.
My vision changes in an unpredictable manner. Rather than a slow, gradual shift over time, it’s more like stairsteps. I truck along, seeing what I see. Then, with no warning or trigger, things shift over the course of a few days. Once the dust settles, I just see a little less than I did before.
This week was one of those shifts.
I haven’t had one in a while, and it caught me off guard.
As much as I’ve come to terms with vision loss—hell, I’ve basically built a personal brand around it these days—I am not really in a it’s no big deal headspace. I don’t want to lose more sight, and I’m sure as shit not grateful for it.
What I also am not is devastated or terrified, which is how I used to be every time one of these shifts happened, back in the days before I figured out this acceptance thing.
In this moment, I don’t like that I’ve lost some sight, but it is.
That’s the end of that sentence.
It just is.
I am not railing against reality, demanding that it be different. I tried that for a long time. It’s fruitless effort and guaranteed misery.
I am leaning into the subdued sadness that I feel, knowing that it makes sense because sad signals loss of something you care about. I care about my vision in a way that people who get to take theirs for granted don’t.
I have learned that you can’t skip this part. The journey toward acceptance requires confronting reality as it is. You must stare it in the face, make space for whatever internal reaction bubbles to the surface, and then begin the process of acceptance, of reconfiguring your understanding of the world to match this new reality.
The Path toward Acceptance
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to reverse engineer my path from being consumed with how much I hated my vision and how scared I was of my future because of it to the place I tend to live now, which is pretty unphazed by it, momentary blips of sadness or frustration notwithstanding. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
I don’t think it’s really about the thing. It’s about the deep, dark scaries that lie beneath the thing.
For me, what made my vision feel so unacceptable was that deep, down buried in my subconscious were beliefs that I could not be successful, that no one would want me, and that I would be miserable forever because of vision loss.
Spend some quiet time with yourself. Ask the question, what am I really afraid of here? I bet it boils down to one of these ultimate fears: being miserable, being alone, dying, or not being able to handle it. Or some nice combo.
Even if you don’t think you’re afraid—I’m angry, Dr. Ashley!—you are. There’s some aspect of fear driving this bus. Look for it.
Because once you find the fear, you can face it.
As I started to do things like learn the bus system and how to use magnifiers, my fear of losing independence was dismantled. As I started writing and speaking about my vision, fears of being shunned were shut down.
And as I started seeking out new experiences, a practice I started for reasons completely unrelated to vision loss or acceptance, I found more joy and realized that the unacceptable thing really wasn’t a death sentence.
Start to do things despite—no, to spite—fear, and watch it fade.
My friend, in this day and time, your act of rebellion just might be turning off the news, helping out your neighbor, or continuing to find daily joy, whatever it is that helps you break out of the stuckness.
Be Here Now
The other thing that was instrumental in getting better at acceptance is mindfulness, which really just means being present without judgment. In other words, it’s paying attention to what’s real right now without adding any extra commentary.
By real right now, I mean real for you in this exact moment. Not what you’re hearing or seeing through some “news” outlet and not what your imagination is conjuring up.
Sure, sometimes what’s real right now for you isn’t pleasant or wanted. What’s real for me right now is that my eyes feel strained, and my screen has to be a little more magnified. I don’t love it.
But I’m not judging it as “bad” or “awful.” It just is.
I’m not thinking ahead to what this means for Future Ashley. There is no space for the what if’s right now. I know where those lead, and it ain’t pretty.
I am not saying to bury your head. Denying reality is not acceptance. But finding ways to live a bold, happy life in this moment in the face of the unacceptable is a courageous choice.
Acceptance isn’t about resigning yourself to despair and relinquishing your power. It’s about being brutally honest about what is. It’s about making an active choice not to waste time and mental energy trying to will something in or out of existence (honestly, if that worked, I think the world would look a lot different right now). It’s about not letting things you can’t control control you.
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. ”
Are you ready to live a bolder, happier life?
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